Why do we keep comparing ourselves to others?
This week I ran a session for a charity around anxiety, stress and PTSD for parents who have children with heart conditions. Quite often parents with sick children neglect themselves and give themselves completely over to caring for their child. Whilst I completely understand why this happens, I know it isn’t great for anyone involved. What I do know from my work in mental health is that to support others we need to also support ourselves. We need to be good so we can support those that need us in the healthiest way possible.
In the session we discussed comparison, and it really made me think about how this is something so many people do, in some ways it can be a comfort or inspirational but in others is can really damage our mental health. So, I decided to explore the topic in more detail, and this is what I gleaned.
Brene Brown defines comparison as “Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other – it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.” So, we compare to fit in but also to try and be better than what or who we are comparing ourselves to.
Research shows that our brains are hardwired to compare, so this is something that happens to us rather than us activating it. Whilst comparison is not an emotion itself it does drive strong feelings towards, our relationships, others and our self-worth. There are two different types of comparison, upward comparison, and downward comparison. Whilst you may look at that language and think that upward is positive and downward is negative that simply isn’t the case. You can experience positive or negative emotions for either. Upward comparison is where we look towards something we perceive to be better than us and downward comparison where we look at something or someone we perceived not to be as good as us. Let’s explore the emotions and reactions that either of those types of comparison can trigger:
· Admiration – This can often lead to us want to make improvements to our own situations and can be a positive comparison
· Reverence – A deeper form of adoration or respect often driven by a meaningful connection to another. Again, this can drive a positive feeling of comparison and self-drive.
· Enjoyment in others success, meaningful relationships are not comparing to others successes but helping them to enjoy and relish them. The term “a good friend never blows out your candle and nor you theirs” connects well with this definition.
· “There is always some worse off” for me this is a delicate one as it can be both positive and negative emotions. If comparing your situation, helps you to think more positively about what you are presented with and take positive action then great. But if it makes you felt guilt, anger or shame because of your reaction and others in a perceived worse off position appear to be handling it better than you, then this is a very unhelpful and damaging comparison.
· Envy – Envy means us wanting something that someone else has and the reaction to that emotion is hostility
· Jealousy – is the fear of losing something that we already have – again this emotion often triggers behaviours of hostility.
The good news is that whilst comparison is automatic, with awareness we can make a choice about how we react to it. If we are aware when it happens and what emotion it is driving we can change the outcome. So, for example when we notice we are comparing, acknowledge it happening with positive language and focus back on you.
Let me give you an example as to what I mean, I made a choice a few years ago to start my own business. I left a job I had done for 11 years, performed well in it and was confident in what I was doing, as well as the peace of mind of a secure salary and benefits. Every now and then I see people I used to work with on LinkedIn getting promotions. I then compare the success they have achieved and salary they are likely on and therefore lifestyle they can afford with my situation of uncertainty and risk and if I had stayed where would I be now? I usually get a wave of envy if I am truly honest with myself. However instead of engaging with that emotion and allowing it to negatively impact my mindset, I acknowledge their success and say congratulations and return to focusing on my business. This helps me to move past the negative emotion and bring myself to my passion.
I am not saying this is easy and it takes conscious effort, but with that effort comes the payback of positive wellbeing.
Thanks for listening
Claire Bennett
Founding director of Hornbeam Workplace Wellbeing
Workplace Mental Health Consultant